Kumla Cum Laude

I have made my first batch of Alaskan Kumla! Between the potato grating, dumpling mixing, and eventual boiling process, it was a 3 1/2 hour long process, but I accomplished the deed all on my own! For those of you unfamiliar with my family's Norwegian inspired potato dish, I shall describe the steps below: 

Step 1: Peel lots and lots of potatoes. Then grate them with the finer side of your grater. This begins the workout portion of our baking experience. Grate, dammit, Grate! Grate until your hands cramp! Pound them on the table until numbness ensues, then grate more! When your hands begin to spasm, put the grater aside. Now squeeze all the potato juice out of your potato mash. At this point in time, the potatoes will be a rusty orange color, and the juice will be dark reddish orange. Although it looks as though your potatoes are infected with the Orange Death, continue. Few have actually succumbed to "Death by Kumla". Now, take 6 or more strips of bacon, and chop them up to add to your potatoes along with 1 Tablespoon salt. Yes, Kumla is a low-sodium health food. I also like to add 1 finely chopped onion, freshly ground pepper, and about 1 1/2 Tablespoons nutmeg. This gives it a little more of that Norwegian flair. Although temptation may be high to include more Nordic-inspired flavor, I strongly discourage any addition of pureed Lutefisk (whitefish preserved in Lye). Cured moose meat, however, is a Norwegian favorite that could add just the right touch of wilderness flavor.

 

Now, it is time to continue our kitchen aerobics. We shall add 6 cups of flour,  1 cup at a time. Knead the mixture with your hands (make sure you remove all jewelry--Dumplings are so dense that even metal can be lost, swallowed, and passed through the digestive system of any unwary consumer!). As you add more flour, the work will become more tedious. Be sure to get your full upper body into the mix, I like to even stand on my tiptoes for maximum force in each kneading punch. This also allows for a slight leg work out at the same time. When the flour is all added, the mixture should look like the above picture and have a dumpling-esque consistency. Now, it is time to shape your dumplings!

Place dumplings in a large pot of boiling water. The water will become a pleasing combination of pig fat broth and potato starch as your Kumla cooks. Cook for approximately 1 1/2 hrs. You may choose to nap, or to go for a jog to burn more of those calories you're about to consume!

Now, the finished product! Enjoy with a melted slab of butter on top! Make it a Nordic meal by serving only pickled products, such as dill pickles and sauerkraut, and mustard as sides. The best way to finish preparation, however, is to cut up the dumpling in cubes and pan fry it with butter. Delicious! Be prepared to enter a cathartic state of digestion when your meal is finished. I advise making sure your bed is free of clutter so you'll be able to fall onto it in any belly-up position.